FCA experiences mass resignations

Following the call by the Association of British Insurers (ABI) for the resignation of Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) chief Martin Wheatley to resign, all 3,000 employees at the FCA, in a massive show of solidarity with their embattled leader, have offered their resignation.

263 FCA spokespersons said:

“Our integrity and professionalism has been questioned. Whilst that normally doesn’t worry us one jot, the prospect of extended gardening leave for the next six months, just as Spring arrives, was too good an opportunity to miss.”

The cost of termination of all 3,000 FCA employees is expected to be slightly less than the £7 billion value wiped off the shares of insurance firms last week when the FCA blundered by announcing a retrospective review of 30 million insurance and savings policies.

Andrew Tyrie MP, chairman of the Treasury Committee, said:

“It’s not my fault, but then nothing ever is.”

Nick Bamford Executive Director at the advisory firm Informed Choice Ltd, paraphrasing the ex-Manchester United team boss Sir Alex Ferguson, said:

“Financial services, bloody hell.”

He then offered Rosie the Office Dog his resignation.

A spokesperson for Rosie the Office Dog said, “woof, woof.”

Experts from the University of Surrey’s canine language department believe that the rough translation of Rosie’s words are “April Fool.”

End of breaking news.

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